Infuriated

One thing that makes me so infuriated as a birth mother, and a birth mother advocate/adoption advocate is when I hear about an open adoption being closed by the adoptive parents.

Now before anyone goes up in arms, I DO IN FACT understand there are situations in which the safety of the child is jeopardized and it is best to close the adoption. I get that. I am a mother of 3 children, and left an abusive relationship with their father and am desperately trying to disconnect ties with him, or have his visitations supervised, so they are never in danger or exposed to his addictions. So yes, I do in fact get the idea of having to severe ties for the child's safety. I also understand now all adoption situations come about through a birth mother choosing you. But for this post, I'm talking about birth mothers who chose life, and chose placement, and are normal, everyday women.

Now having said that, I will continue.

Birth mothers are human beings that messed up a little bit. We somehow wound up pregnant (and I say somehow because it happens in many situations; rape, not using birth control, USING birth control and having it fail somehow, etc.), but that does not mean we are bad influences in any way. Most of the modern world are sexually active by the time they are 16. In 2005, 29% of teens ages 15 to 17 were reported as having had sex at least once, and 65% of teens ages 18 to 19 reported the same. (those are American statistics, I couldn't find Canadian stats for it). In 2013 it was reported that teen pregnancy rates in Canada rose to 28.2 pregnancies per 1000 teens (some provinces jumpying by nearly 40%!!) (source).  Birth mothers are just like any other person in this age group, except with us, nature took it's course and we got pregnant and instead of choosing abortion or parenting (for MANY different reasons), we chose the course of adoption.

I'm not here to preach which is the right path, because my beliefs are different than a lot of people's. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? What is right for one person (because that is what they believe), might not be right for another (because of that they believe). For whatever reason, we chose adoption. 

We chose to let the baby live and grow within us, nourishing it, feeling every wiggle, every movement. We endured the pains of pregnancy so this baby within us could live. We endured the heartache of choosing to place our children, painstakingly going through (sometimes) hundreds of profiles, to chose a family/couple that we think are worthy enough to raise our baby. If you are an adoptive parent, that means we chose you, we thought you were WORTHY enough to be the parents to our baby. Congratulations. Now, after choosing, we go through painstaking labor, for hours on end to bring this baby into the world. We then endure nothing short of pure agony, physically, emotionally, and mentally when we place that child in your arms and leave the hospital empty handed. While you're longing is now fulfilled with that sweet child in your arms, our longing has just begun. And it is not just mental either. Every single fiber of a mother's being longs and yearns for that baby. Ever heard of "phantom limb" syndrome where an amputee will actually FEEL the missing limb long after it's gone? A birth mother actually FEELS the baby missing. I can't tell you how many times I would wake up in the middle of the night FEELING like I needed to feed the baby that wasn't there.

We go home, our bodies forever altered. We bleed for week, our milk comes in to feed a baby that isn't there (and it hurts to be engorged, it's not just embarrassing to have your milk leak through your shirt, but it actually hurts), we nurse our wounds from birthing the baby, we don't fit into any of our clothes, and we have this very mushy, playdo like stomach, forever scarred by stretch marks. We have to follow up with the doctor to make sure our wounds are healing properly/ All these things serve as a constant remind for MONTHS after we place our child in your arms.

The reminders of the child we placed lovingly in your arms does not stop there. Our medical histories that we have to repeat every time we see a new doctor includes having to tell them we have had 1 pregnancy and 1 live birth. The doctors look at us in awkward pity, not knowing what to say. But every time we see a new doctor, for the rest of our lives, we have to include this bit of information, having it be met with awkward and unsure silences. Pity-filled and sometimes judgmental eyes fall on us every time.

We never forget. We are constantly reminded. The pain stays, you just learn to live with it, to tune it out so it doesn't hurt so much. And every once in a while, when the built up pain is too much, it comes out and we cry for hours.

So how does this relate back to open adoptions being closed? Let me tell you. Many adoptive parents think that once the baby is theirs, that's all there is to it. They don't HAVE to involve the birth parent any longer, and legally, they are right. Legally, the birth mother has terminated her rights completely, and the adoptive parents no longer have any legal responsibility to the birth mother. It sucks but it's true. Sometimes adoptive parents close the adoption because having a relationship with the birth mother seems threatening, scary, overwhelming, time consuming, and serves as a constant reminder that this child of yours is not your DNA. Sometimes it is closed because it might be "too confusing for the child" (studies show it is in fact not at all confusing for a child, fyi).

To those adoptive parents who close the adoption, I have one thing to say:

This birth mother CHOSE you, out of thousands of other potential adoptive parents, because she TRUSTED you to not only raise her child, but to keep your promises. She found you WORTHY enough to raise her child, and you are repaying her by breaking all the promises you made to her, and breaking her heart? Not only that, but you are keeping your child from the woman who loves them more than life itself, keeping your child from her history, from another person who loves her as much as you do (and yes, she does love that child as much as you do). You are also taking away the child's chance to heal better, and adjust to their identity in the adoption world (see further down in the post). Isn't the child's best interest at heart for everyone? Because in MOST situation, open adoption is, in fact, in the best interest of the child.

Is open adoption easy? Not perfectly so. It's easy in many ways, and harder in other. Like ANY relationship in any aspect of life, it requires work, patience, acceptance, and love. It is also one of those extremely easy relationships to just "do away with" for adoptive parents because legally we birth mothers have no say in the matter. It's not just hard for adoptive parents though. It's hard for birth mothers too. We have to trust each other, and communicate. That is key! Communication.

BUT it is also much more HEALING than the alternative, to all parties. Studies have shown that for children, "Higher degrees of collaboration in the adoptive kinship network were associated with better adjustment during middle childhood", and "that higher degrees of perceived compatibility maintained from middle childhood to adolescence were associated with higher degrees of psychosocial engagement (defined as adolescents' active use of inner resources to interact positively with others in family, peer, and community contexts) and attachment to parents and lower problem behavior." (source)
Studies have shown that for birth mothers "Birthmothers in stopped mediated adoptions showed the highest degree of unresolved adoption-related grief and loss ", "birthmothers in fully disclosed adoptions had lower adoption-related grief and loss than those in confidential adoption", and "When birthmothers' level of openness was controlled, as satisfaction with openness increased, birthmothers' current global level of grief decreased." (source).
Studies have shown that for adoptive parents "those in fully disclosed adoptions generally reported higher levels of acknowledgment of the adoption, more empathy toward the birthparents and child, stronger sense of permanence in the relationship with their child as projected into the future, and less fear that the birthmother might try to reclaim her child."(source)

To end off with, I will quote an amazing birth mom in a group I am a part of:

"That we don't want to steal the baby/co parent we just want to love them! Just because we weren't legally their mothers any more doesn't mean we don't love them as mothers." - Madisen Mae

Please, from one mother to another, let us just love our child, and let them feel our love too. Open adoption is not always easy, but it is SOOOO worth it.

(Stay tuned for suggestions on how to nourish an open adoption)