Most blogs are from an American point of view. That is just fine. The problem is, after placing my child for adoption in Canada (Alberta specifically), I moved to the States for university. I lived there for 6+ years. That is where my life in the public adoption world started. I met an amazing woman named Ashley from Big Tough Girl. When I met her, she ran a birth mother support organization called BIB - A Birth Mom Community, where the "original" Big Tough Girls were born. We BTG's were birth moms from all ages and stages. We clung to one another for love and support. Ashley helped me realize my love to the adoption community, and that I didn't need to "hide" as a birth mother. She helped me see that I needed to proclaim it and own it and be proud of who I was. To me this was the beginning of the birth mother movement in so many ways. It took the US by storm, this self-proclamation of love for one's self as a birth mother. I had seen nothing like it. In addition to that, MOST of adoptions (that aren't through CPS or foster care) are open, and the level of openness varies from letters and pictures to living down the street and having sleep overs, and the movement towards the "more open" adoption is steadily increasing. People are starting to love birth mothers and seeing them for the heros and amazing women that we are! The view of a birth mother as a degenerative, abandoning, drug addict is something of the past. We are simply normal women, who love our children and wanted them to have their best chance.
Then I moved back to Canada, and realized that in Canada, birth mothers generally keep that to themselves. They don't shout it to the world, and for the most part the level of openness is more towards the end of "occasional" visits, letters, pictures, etc. To me, this is such a sad way to have a relationship. We may not be the child's legal mothers/fathers anymore as birth parents, but we still love our children as a mother/father would. I love my birth son just as much as I love the children that I raise. Studies have shown it is better for all members of the adoption triad (birth parents, child, adoptive parents) to have a much more open relationship. (Source here) The following are examples of such studies and their results:
1. "Results indicated that openness was significantly related to satisfaction with adoption process among adoptive parents and birth mothers. Increased openness was positively associated with birth mothers’ post-placement adjustment as indexed by birth mothers’ self reports and the interviewers’ impression of birth mothers’ adjustment. Birth fathers’ report of openness was associated with their greater satisfaction with the adoption process and better post-adoption adjustment."
They also state in this same study that "that voluntary open adoption tends to reduce the stress for all parents involved in adoption process." and "The benefits to birth mothers appear to arise from exchanges and contacts with adoptive parents that provide informal sources of social supports. Assurance, security, and knowledge about the birth parents and the adopted child gained through open contacts with birth parents appear to enhance the adoptive parents’ satisfaction."
To add to all that good news they found "that adopted children in open adoption did not experience more difficulties compared to adoptees in mediated or closed adoptions." (Source Here) (Ge, Xiaojia et al. “Bridging the Divide: Openness in Adoption and Post-Adoption Psychosocial Adjustment among Birth and Adoptive Parents.”Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) 22.4 (2008): 529–540. PMC. Web. 26 Oct. 2015.)
2. "Skeptics feared that birth mothers would renew their sense of grief and loss each time they saw their child, harming their own mental health and relationships. We found the opposite: birth mothers in more open adoptions who were more satisfied with their contact arrangements had less unresolved grief 12-20 years after the placements than those involved in closed adoptions. Birth mothers typically don’t want to take on a parenting role. In fact, it’s clear that the adoptive parents are the full parents of the child, but birth mothers are often comforted by having information about and some contact with their children, knowing that they are safe and doing well, and having the reassurance that their decision to place the child for adoption was a good one."
"Adoptive parents were least afraid in open adoptions, often because the birth and adoptive parents had had a conversation about this issue and the birth mothers would often say, ”Why would I take my child back? I placed my child with you. I just want to make sure that my child is OK.” In closed adoptions, where adoptive mothers knew little about a child’s birth mother, fears tended to grow out of negative stereotypes about birth parents that were not informed by reality." (Source Here)
So why is it that there are still closed adoptions when open adoptions are so much better for post-adoption? I understand that there are situations where the birth parents being involved would pose a threat to the child's well-being, but I'm not talking about those adoptions. I'm talking about the ones where a loving, normal young monther HANDPICKS your family for adoption, and you choose not to have an open adoption OR worse yet, promise an open adoption and then close it later one (which happens a lot more than people are willing to admit)? Because it's too confusing for a child to have a birth family (NOT TRUE btw... Source here). I mean kids can have numerous aunts and uncles, step parents, step grandparents, but the moment a birth family steps into the picture its confusing?
And why is it happening in Canada MORE than in the US? Are we that backwards and behind? Are we less advanced or emotionally weaker than our southern neighbours? Are we that less evolved in the evolution timeline of adoption? We shouldn't be. But that is the way it is. And that is what I long to change. That is what I think about everytime I hear about an adoption story within Canada. This is Canada! We have some of the best rankings in the World:
- We are 10th in the world based on Science and Math scores (Source).
- 5th happiest country in the world (Source)
- 1st in admirable and reputable countries in the world (Source)
- We are the 6th the most "socially advanced" country (Source)
- 4th most Creative country in the world (Source)
I could go on and on about how awesome Canada is, yet we are so behind in open adoptions, it's depressing! Not just open adoptions, but the adoption process in general.
So... the WHY. Why am I writing this blog? Well, partly for myself - therapeutic and what not. I plan to work through my own questions and "issues" in adoption, and post them on this blog. Research, talking, etc. All that good stuff. Partly to educate others on adoption, the great, the good, and the sometimes not so good. It's not always a great thing, sometimes it hurts, and that is just the way it is - as with any relationship in life it takes work, disappointment and sometimes pain. But with any relationship it is wonderful and brings joy and love and just amazingness. The other part of why I'm doing this, is for Canadian birth moms, to have a place to relate. So read on. Or not. Either way I'm going to keep writing.
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