Now, I'm not always the most positive person. There are many situations and times when I'm negative. May times throughout the day in fact. But Overall I TRY and be positive. Because I know that I have a choice. Every situation in life, every moment in our lives, we have a choice. Things may not have worked out the way you thought they would, in fact you might have gotten screwed over in that situation. That's fine. It happens to every one. But that doesn't mean you have to be negative and hate everyone who has been through a similar situation and it worked out for them, or they see it as a positive things.
Example time. I went through a divorce in the last few years. The man I married in 2008, turned out to be, for lack of a more "sophisticated" term, a big fat liar. Liar Liar Pants on Fire type of thing. I found out, very shortly after we were married, that he had some serious pornography and sexual addictions. I also found out he was abusive, in many ways (verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically). In fact, I found these things out within the first 6 months of our marriage. But he promised to change, and do better. We had a baby together, and I wanted things to work, because I loved him (or who he pretended to be). Then, after 2 kids, endless abuse to me, verbally and emotionally abusing the kids, starting to be physically abusive to them, I found myself once again pregnant. I knew I couldn't put another baby through this. I had to get out. Now, long story short, I came up to Canada to live with my parents, the divorce and custody was a battle, and he was very bitter then, after being separated for a year, I started dating (the Divorce couldn't go through because of the battle...). I ended up marrying my highschool best friend, after a year of dating. He was extremely bitter, and the anger towards me got worse, and his verbal abuse and attempt at emotional/mental abuse never wavered. Now, after all of this, I could sit here and be bitter. I see divorces go so great, they go to Disneyland together. Does that seriously mean I should sit here and judge them? I could sit here and grumble and be negative and hate the world for what happened, and I have perfectly good reason to. And to be honest, while I was "healing" from it all, I was a little bit negative, "how could this happen to me, and especially the kids" type of thing. But I did what I needed to do to heal, and I moved on. I confided in those that I needed to, learned the world isn't fair, put on my big girl panties and moved on. A bad thing happened. It doesn't mean it is a bad thing for everyone.
Should I sit here and yell out to the world that all divorces are horrible, and terrible, and that co-parenting doesn't work, no one should try it, they should just have a custody battle and be done with it? Or worse yet, should I sit here and yell to the world that divorce is basically ruining yours and your kids' lives and you just shouldn't go through with it?!? (Yes I know there are people like that... negative people..). NO OF COURSE NOT! Yes, my situation is not great, and I have full custody because my ex-husband cannot be trusted with the children alone. Does that mean all ex-husbands are like this? Of course not!
So... tell me please how it is ok for some birth mothers to promote negativity? Basically this is what I hear:
"Being a birth mother is horrible, and no birth mother should ever be happy or proud of what she did" (this is coming FROM birth mothers)
"If you're happy with your adoption, you don't love your baby"
"You were coerced into the adoption, you don't know what you're talking about"
"How do you think that makes your child feel that you are happy you gave him away"
"Anyone who promotes adoption are baby trafficking"
"You have been brainwashed big time"
"Birth moms who say how great adoption is, are being paid to blog by pro-adoption groups"
"Adoption only means success when the adoptive parents get what they want"
"Anyone who supports adoption is tricking other birth moms into giving their baby away"
"Positive birth moms are just drinking the kool aid"
"One day, you'll wake up and see the horrible mistake you've made"
The list, seriously, goes on...
Ok so, Yes these negative comments are coming from birth moms who went through a horrible experience in their adoption story. And honestly, My heart grieves for them, because I've seen adoption situations turn sour. But is this really a reason to HATE and spew hurtful comments to those who have positive experiences and choose to be positive? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about awareness. I think that girls who are making an adoption plan need to probably hear that "things may not go the way you want them to and that there are adoptive parents who do close contact for whatever reason". They need to hear this so they know what to expect. Just like a doctor tells you, going into any procedure that there ARE things that COULD potentially go wrong. And just like with a medical procedure, you need to choose if the POSITIVES outweigh the RISKS. For some women, it does. For some women it doesn't. It doesn't mean one woman is right for getting the medical procedure and the other one is wrong. It just means they are DIFFERENT people from very DIFFERENT walks of life, and very DIFFERENT beliefs.
Another which example: Someone's dad walks out on them as a young child. They have negative or indifferent feelings toward this dad. Why shouldn't they? He left them. Fine. That's ok. They were hurt and to have those feelings of hurt is ok. But does that mean they should hate anyone, and spew hurtful comments, to anyone whose dad didn't leave them, and who have a great relationship with their dad? OF COURSE NOT! That would be silly. Just as this feud between birth mothers with negative adoption experiences and those with positive adoption experiences.
Do I believe that agencies should do a better job at "doctoring" your "procedure" and letting an expectant mother know about the risks of said "procedure"? Yes, I do. Adoption is not all fluff and cotton candy. It is hard work, it is painful, and it is scary. But in the end, we do this for our children, not for us to get things in return. Yes, it would be nice to have adoptive parents always keep their promises. But in the end, we did this for our children, and if they are raised happy and healthy, with a great life, then I would say that benefit is worth it, and outweighs many risks.
Would I be devastated if my adoptive parents closed the adoption? Unbelievably so. Would I be angry and hurt? Of course!. But, I would do my best to heal, and move on, and be positive. Because living a life of negativity and hurt and anger is not exactly what I want to do. And if, after the adoption was closed, my birth son came back to find me, I wouldn't want him to find me in a pit of anger and despair. I would want him to see me at my best self, I would want to feel worthy of him finding me. But that's just me.
My advice to any expectant mom is simply this: Adoption is not for everyone. Abortion is not for everyone. And parenting (in this situation) is not for everyone. There are negative people spewing horrible things about every single one of those, about how you shouldn't do it because of THEIR negative experience with one of those. There ARE negative things with all three of those things. There are also women in each of those categories that have had horrible, devastating and painful experience with it. There are consequences in each. And sometimes, even though it may seem ideal at first, sometimes your choice doesn't go the way you wanted it to. Every one of those choices has good consequences, and bad ones. My advice? Study EACH ONE. Find YOUR ANSWER. Once you find your answer, stick with it, no matter others say. Remember, someone will always question your decision, your choice, and your choice to be positive about it. They don't know YOU. They don't know YOUR situation. Trust in YOUR ability to choose your path in life. And Trust in YOUR ability to be positive about it.
So.. watch this... is it amazing!
"If you're visible in anyway, you can be assured that people you've never met are going to come out of the woodwork and tell you you suck. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In today's world, if people are drawn to say negative things to you and about you online, it's actually a weird sign of success. People are paying attention."
"Everything that comes my way is potentially my teacher. Everything is an opportunity to go against my tired habits and practice something new."
"Our behavior is contagious... we are porous, highly susceptible creatures, whose words and actions are affecting each other constantly."
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