Be Not Ashamed

In Canada, there is not a lot of openness in adoption. On top of that, there is also much "hiding" in being a birth mother. There is still this sigma for birth mothers, that it is something we need to keep to ourselves. Why is this? Why do we feel like it is something that needs to be hidden? Why can't we be proud of who we are and what we are?

I get it. We got pregnant and placed a baby for adoption. Will people judge us? Will people say hurtful things, like "How could you give your baby away" or "didn't you love your baby"? Will people think we are promiscuous because we got pregnant? Etc. I kept it to myself for a long time. In fact, I was encouraged by family members to do so. Then I moved to the US.

I've said this in previous posts, but the US is SO DIFFERENT in their view of adoption. In my opinion, they are far advanced in the adoption community than Canada is. Many birth moms can proudly say "I am a birth mom. I placed a baby for adoption, and it is an open adoption". Are they judged? By some, yes. But they also have this extensive birth mother support network, filled with birth moms who placed 2 days ago to birth moms who placed 30 years ago! They have this sisterhood of positive support, all across the country! They have retreats, and get-togethers, private facebook groups. They have this eternal bond of sisters who understand and who build each other up! And the birth moms who placed years ago? All of them say how much they wished such thing existed when they placed! Why? Because it strengthens us to bond with those who have gone through the same situation!

There are support groups for those who are adopting, groups for people with addictions, for those who have gone through divorce, those who have had miscarriages or still-borns. There are support groups for those with diseases, or chronic pain. Groups for parents of special needs children, or those who are fostering children. And none of these people feel the need to hide! In fact, in addiction recovery groups, they encourage being proud of how far they have come, to show people their chips to say "I was there, but now I've come so far!!". None of these groups are encouraged to hide who they are or their life story. Are they judge by some? Sure! Of course they are! Anyone who struggles is judge by those who do not understand!

So why is there this sigma in Canada about birth mother's needing to hide? And for that matter, why is there such a lack of support in Canada for birth mother's who have placed? We grieve for out entire lives, just as a mother who has lost her child. We move on, we learn to live, we go on to do things that every other person does i live, but we never forget, we never fill the hole in our heart. The pain changes, but it is always there.

This NEEDS to change. Birth mothers, I speak to you. You DO NOT NEED to hide. I now live in Canada once again, and I tell everyone I can about my placement. I have never been judged by those I've told (given I was judged at the time by those who said I should keep my baby), but never have I been judged by those I have told recently. At least, I have never felt judged. I am proud. I may not be proud of the situation I got myself into 9 years ago, but I am PROUD of how far I have come. I am proud of my story, my strength, my journey. I am proud of my son. We are strong, we are determined, we are mothers! And we NEED to be proud. Not ashamed, not afraid, not judged. We need to pave the way for those birth mothers coming after us. We need to pave a way for them to not have to hide like we did. We need to stand up and say who we are, what we did, and be able to give these new birth moms a foundation to stand on, to say "I am a birth mom, and I am not ashamed!".

We love our birth children as any other mother loves her child, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something we should be able to shout to the world, and end this stigma that birth mothers don't love their children. Because we do, and always have and always will.

It is scary to come out and say "I am a birth mom who lovingly placed her child for adoption". It was for me as well. But I was surrounded by women who had already done so, and who already had this amazing support network around them (as I mentioned above). This is what I want to give to birth mothers in Canada. Will you be judged to say "I'm a birth mom" outloud? Possibly. In fact, probably. But who cares what others say? Who cares if someone judges you? YOU know why you placed. YOU know it was the right thing to do. YOU know that you love that child as much as any other mother loves her child. On top of that, this huge community of birth mother's know that too! We know because we get it! And after all, mothers are judged by others for just about every decision we make, and we're not ashamed of those things. I formula fed my kids, I immunized them, I let them watch TV a lot, I homeschool 1 of my children and the other goes to public school, and I divorced their biological father for reasons I never told anyone until after it was done... and I am judged for every single one of those decisions. But I didn't and still dont care. Because I am doing what is best for MY FAMILY. And my decisions as a mother will remain constant and never wavering because I know it was what was right for my family and my kids. And I'm a momma bear and if you judge my decisions for my kids believe me you'll see that momma bear. So why in the world would I be any different about my decision to place my child for adoption?

So I encourage you, as birth mothers, to rise above the stigma, and pave the way for new birthmoms, and give them a boost. Show them you are not ashamed of your decision, and that they don't have to be either. They don't have to be proud of what got them into the situation in the first place, but they can be proud of how far they have come and the choices they made for their child. They can be proud of who they are, and their Journey.

Are you a birth mom in Canada? There is a private facebook support group just for you!