There are so many stereotypes surrounding adoption. Like, alot. One of the biggest ones is that birth mothers don't want their birth children, or that they didn't love their birth child...
Seriously, I have never, EVER, met a birth mother (and I've met thousands of all ages) that doesn't love or want their birth child. In fact, most of them desperately WANT a relationship. They desperately want to know them. Yes there are some that maybe don't want a relationship with them now (for whatever reason), but that doesn't mean that at the time they placed they didn't want them or love them.
One of the worst things that comes our of this stereotype is adoptive parents trying to "protect" their child from the birth parents. Mostly? Because of fear, jealously, feelings of "I'm their parent now, not them".
And, the worst thing you can think about a birth parent is they are "selective parenting" (I heard this phrase today, told to a fellow birth mom but her daughter's adoptive parents). *insert blood boiling here*. Selective parenting? So, we birth moms take one look at the baby and think "naw I don't want you.. we'll see if I like the next one though"? Really? Or worse, are we birth parents supposed to NEVER have another child in life because we placed one (or more) child/ren when we weren't in a position to care for that child?! And that makes us selective, unworthy to have more children, and unworthy to have a relationship with our child that we lovingly placed with you? That is bull****. Seriously. It is ridiculous.
Let me tell you the truth, plain and simple. We LOVE our birth child more than life itself. We wanted them so much. In fact, I'm sure it crossed out minds many times during our pregnancy and labor to try and keep that baby, and not place it. To try and find a way to make it possible to keep that beautiful baby growing inside us. And having a birth mom in their lives, give them one more person who loves them, who cheers for them, who supports them. It give that child one more person to help guide them through this life successfully, and give them someone else they can turn to in times they need it - just like a teacher, or coach, or church leader, or grandparent, or aunt/uncle. Having a birth mom in their SHOWS THEM that they were NOT unwanted or unloved, but in fact they were LOVED more than anything and wanted so desperately, and they are STILL loved, and STILL wanted.
Removing a birth mom from their lives perpetuates the stereotypes. It tells the child that they may have been unloved and unwanted, why else would you parents need to "protect" the child from their birth parents? It perpetuates the stereotype that birth moms aren't worthy to be in their lives, and that they simply aren't good enough to be in their lives It perpetuates the stereotype that there is something wrong with the birth mom, and that the birth child was at fault for their adoption.
Adoptive parents, please think about these things before removing a birth parent from the relationship. Make love win. Chose love, not fear.
In life, no matter what you believe in (God, Buddah, Alah, Aliens, Nothing...) you all have to agree that this life is full of moments of hardships. And no matter WHY you believe those hardships happen, there is one thing we can all agree on - we have a choice. A choice in how we respond. We have a choice of whether or not to be positive about the situation and outcome, or we can wallow in negativity.
Now, I'm not always the most positive person. There are many situations and times when I'm negative. May times throughout the day in fact. But Overall I TRY and be positive. Because I know that I have a choice. Every situation in life, every moment in our lives, we have a choice. Things may not have worked out the way you thought they would, in fact you might have gotten screwed over in that situation. That's fine. It happens to every one. But that doesn't mean you have to be negative and hate everyone who has been through a similar situation and it worked out for them, or they see it as a positive things.
Example time. I went through a divorce in the last few years. The man I married in 2008, turned out to be, for lack of a more "sophisticated" term, a big fat liar. Liar Liar Pants on Fire type of thing. I found out, very shortly after we were married, that he had some serious pornography and sexual addictions. I also found out he was abusive, in many ways (verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically). In fact, I found these things out within the first 6 months of our marriage. But he promised to change, and do better. We had a baby together, and I wanted things to work, because I loved him (or who he pretended to be). Then, after 2 kids, endless abuse to me, verbally and emotionally abusing the kids, starting to be physically abusive to them, I found myself once again pregnant. I knew I couldn't put another baby through this. I had to get out. Now, long story short, I came up to Canada to live with my parents, the divorce and custody was a battle, and he was very bitter then, after being separated for a year, I started dating (the Divorce couldn't go through because of the battle...). I ended up marrying my highschool best friend, after a year of dating. He was extremely bitter, and the anger towards me got worse, and his verbal abuse and attempt at emotional/mental abuse never wavered. Now, after all of this, I could sit here and be bitter. I see divorces go so great, they go to Disneyland together. Does that seriously mean I should sit here and judge them? I could sit here and grumble and be negative and hate the world for what happened, and I have perfectly good reason to. And to be honest, while I was "healing" from it all, I was a little bit negative, "how could this happen to me, and especially the kids" type of thing. But I did what I needed to do to heal, and I moved on. I confided in those that I needed to, learned the world isn't fair, put on my big girl panties and moved on. A bad thing happened. It doesn't mean it is a bad thing for everyone.
Should I sit here and yell out to the world that all divorces are horrible, and terrible, and that co-parenting doesn't work, no one should try it, they should just have a custody battle and be done with it? Or worse yet, should I sit here and yell to the world that divorce is basically ruining yours and your kids' lives and you just shouldn't go through with it?!? (Yes I know there are people like that... negative people..). NO OF COURSE NOT! Yes, my situation is not great, and I have full custody because my ex-husband cannot be trusted with the children alone. Does that mean all ex-husbands are like this? Of course not!
So... tell me please how it is ok for some birth mothers to promote negativity? Basically this is what I hear:
"Being a birth mother is horrible, and no birth mother should ever be happy or proud of what she did" (this is coming FROM birth mothers)
"If you're happy with your adoption, you don't love your baby"
"You were coerced into the adoption, you don't know what you're talking about"
"How do you think that makes your child feel that you are happy you gave him away"
"Anyone who promotes adoption are baby trafficking"
"You have been brainwashed big time"
"Birth moms who say how great adoption is, are being paid to blog by pro-adoption groups"
"Adoption only means success when the adoptive parents get what they want"
"Anyone who supports adoption is tricking other birth moms into giving their baby away"
"Positive birth moms are just drinking the kool aid"
"One day, you'll wake up and see the horrible mistake you've made"
The list, seriously, goes on...
Ok so, Yes these negative comments are coming from birth moms who went through a horrible experience in their adoption story. And honestly, My heart grieves for them, because I've seen adoption situations turn sour. But is this really a reason to HATE and spew hurtful comments to those who have positive experiences and choose to be positive? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about awareness. I think that girls who are making an adoption plan need to probably hear that "things may not go the way you want them to and that there are adoptive parents who do close contact for whatever reason". They need to hear this so they know what to expect. Just like a doctor tells you, going into any procedure that there ARE things that COULD potentially go wrong. And just like with a medical procedure, you need to choose if the POSITIVES outweigh the RISKS. For some women, it does. For some women it doesn't. It doesn't mean one woman is right for getting the medical procedure and the other one is wrong. It just means they are DIFFERENT people from very DIFFERENT walks of life, and very DIFFERENT beliefs.
Another which example: Someone's dad walks out on them as a young child. They have negative or indifferent feelings toward this dad. Why shouldn't they? He left them. Fine. That's ok. They were hurt and to have those feelings of hurt is ok. But does that mean they should hate anyone, and spew hurtful comments, to anyone whose dad didn't leave them, and who have a great relationship with their dad? OF COURSE NOT! That would be silly. Just as this feud between birth mothers with negative adoption experiences and those with positive adoption experiences.
Do I believe that agencies should do a better job at "doctoring" your "procedure" and letting an expectant mother know about the risks of said "procedure"? Yes, I do. Adoption is not all fluff and cotton candy. It is hard work, it is painful, and it is scary. But in the end, we do this for our children, not for us to get things in return. Yes, it would be nice to have adoptive parents always keep their promises. But in the end, we did this for our children, and if they are raised happy and healthy, with a great life, then I would say that benefit is worth it, and outweighs many risks.
Would I be devastated if my adoptive parents closed the adoption? Unbelievably so. Would I be angry and hurt? Of course!. But, I would do my best to heal, and move on, and be positive. Because living a life of negativity and hurt and anger is not exactly what I want to do. And if, after the adoption was closed, my birth son came back to find me, I wouldn't want him to find me in a pit of anger and despair. I would want him to see me at my best self, I would want to feel worthy of him finding me. But that's just me.
My advice to any expectant mom is simply this: Adoption is not for everyone. Abortion is not for everyone. And parenting (in this situation) is not for everyone. There are negative people spewing horrible things about every single one of those, about how you shouldn't do it because of THEIR negative experience with one of those. There ARE negative things with all three of those things. There are also women in each of those categories that have had horrible, devastating and painful experience with it. There are consequences in each. And sometimes, even though it may seem ideal at first, sometimes your choice doesn't go the way you wanted it to. Every one of those choices has good consequences, and bad ones. My advice? Study EACH ONE. Find YOUR ANSWER. Once you find your answer, stick with it, no matter others say. Remember, someone will always question your decision, your choice, and your choice to be positive about it. They don't know YOU. They don't know YOUR situation. Trust in YOUR ability to choose your path in life. And Trust in YOUR ability to be positive about it.
So.. watch this... is it amazing! "If you're visible in anyway, you can be assured that people you've never met are going to come out of the woodwork and tell you you suck. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In today's world, if people are drawn to say negative things to you and about you online, it's actually a weird sign of success. People are paying attention."
"Everything that comes my way is potentially my teacher. Everything is an opportunity to go against my tired habits and practice something new." "Our behavior is contagious... we are porous, highly susceptible creatures, whose words and actions are affecting each other constantly."
I just posted about how infuriated I was at some adoptive parents for closing adoptions. Now, I want to speak to birth moms.
Please remember, I AM a birth mom, and I am just playing devils advocate for both sides. Yes?
Ok. So... think back to when you were pregnant. Why did you choose adoption? Probably one of the many answers is "to give your baby their best chance" or some variation of that. You painstakingly chose who you thought would be the perfect couple for your child. You went through agony and beyond for your child. Everything you did was for your child.
Now, what happens if you are faced with your baby's parents closing the adoption, and breaking their promises to you (for whatever reason)? Essentially, you can do nothing. Communicate your wishes and desires with them in the most loving and calm way possible, remind them of their promises, and that you believe open adoption is best for your guys' child. Communication is key. Is there another option than complete closure? Maybe instead of direct contact there can be indirect (like a blog, or letters, or emails, etc) so you are able to watch them grow up, even if from afar. What if they still chose to close it?
You have to trust. You chose the for your child, not necessarily for you. You chose them to be the parents of your child and to raise them in the best possible way they could. Now you just have to trust them to do that. Remember that they have the baby's best interest at heart too. And chances are they will do an amazing job. You did this for the baby, and you must take comfort that the adoptive parents are just doing what they think is best for the baby as well, even if it means taking you out of the picture for now.
All you can do is wait. Wait for the child to be old enough for you to contact them. Wait for them to contact you. Write letters to them, and either send them or keep them in a box so one day you can give it to them, and you can tell them "I never forgot you".
The pain will be there. It will hurt. There will be tears. But remember, you didn't do this for you, you did it for them. And as hard as it will be to move forward without knowing their life, trust in the original resolve that you made the best decision you could for them. And trust that their parents will give them that life.
And remember, there are other birth moms out there, who can and will be there for you, to take you in their embrace and stand with you when you are too weak to stand. Seek the positive, not the negative. Seek the uplifting, not the tearing down. Be kind to others who have a different story than you, and love, for that is what adoption is about - love.
Most importantly, Be a woman who is worthy to one day meet her child. Don't go down the dark path anger can bring. Live your life to be worthy of your child. Someone they would be proud to one day meet.
One thing that makes me so infuriated as a birth mother, and a birth mother advocate/adoption advocate is when I hear about an open adoption being closed by the adoptive parents.
Now before anyone goes up in arms, I DO IN FACT understand there are situations in which the safety of the child is jeopardized and it is best to close the adoption. I get that. I am a mother of 3 children, and left an abusive relationship with their father and am desperately trying to disconnect ties with him, or have his visitations supervised, so they are never in danger or exposed to his addictions. So yes, I do in fact get the idea of having to severe ties for the child's safety. I also understand now all adoption situations come about through a birth mother choosing you. But for this post, I'm talking about birth mothers who chose life, and chose placement, and are normal, everyday women.
Now having said that, I will continue.
Birth mothers are human beings that messed up a little bit. We somehow wound up pregnant (and I say somehow because it happens in many situations; rape, not using birth control, USING birth control and having it fail somehow, etc.), but that does not mean we are bad influences in any way. Most of the modern world are sexually active by the time they are 16. In 2005, 29% of teens ages 15 to 17 were reported as having had sex at least once, and 65% of teens ages 18 to 19 reported the same. (those are American statistics, I couldn't find Canadian stats for it). In 2013 it was reported that teen pregnancy rates in Canada rose to 28.2 pregnancies per 1000 teens (some provinces jumpying by nearly 40%!!) (source). Birth mothers are just like any other person in this age group, except with us, nature took it's course and we got pregnant and instead of choosing abortion or parenting (for MANY different reasons), we chose the course of adoption.
I'm not here to preach which is the right path, because my beliefs are different than a lot of people's. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? What is right for one person (because that is what they believe), might not be right for another (because of that they believe). For whatever reason, we chose adoption.
We chose to let the baby live and grow within us, nourishing it, feeling every wiggle, every movement. We endured the pains of pregnancy so this baby within us could live. We endured the heartache of choosing to place our children, painstakingly going through (sometimes) hundreds of profiles, to chose a family/couple that we think are worthy enough to raise our baby. If you are an adoptive parent, that means we chose you, we thought you were WORTHY enough to be the parents to our baby. Congratulations. Now, after choosing, we go through painstaking labor, for hours on end to bring this baby into the world. We then endure nothing short of pure agony, physically, emotionally, and mentally when we place that child in your arms and leave the hospital empty handed. While you're longing is now fulfilled with that sweet child in your arms, our longing has just begun. And it is not just mental either. Every single fiber of a mother's being longs and yearns for that baby. Ever heard of "phantom limb" syndrome where an amputee will actually FEEL the missing limb long after it's gone? A birth mother actually FEELS the baby missing. I can't tell you how many times I would wake up in the middle of the night FEELING like I needed to feed the baby that wasn't there.
We go home, our bodies forever altered. We bleed for week, our milk comes in to feed a baby that isn't there (and it hurts to be engorged, it's not just embarrassing to have your milk leak through your shirt, but it actually hurts), we nurse our wounds from birthing the baby, we don't fit into any of our clothes, and we have this very mushy, playdo like stomach, forever scarred by stretch marks. We have to follow up with the doctor to make sure our wounds are healing properly/ All these things serve as a constant remind for MONTHS after we place our child in your arms.
The reminders of the child we placed lovingly in your arms does not stop there. Our medical histories that we have to repeat every time we see a new doctor includes having to tell them we have had 1 pregnancy and 1 live birth. The doctors look at us in awkward pity, not knowing what to say. But every time we see a new doctor, for the rest of our lives, we have to include this bit of information, having it be met with awkward and unsure silences. Pity-filled and sometimes judgmental eyes fall on us every time.
We never forget. We are constantly reminded. The pain stays, you just learn to live with it, to tune it out so it doesn't hurt so much. And every once in a while, when the built up pain is too much, it comes out and we cry for hours.
So how does this relate back to open adoptions being closed? Let me tell you. Many adoptive parents think that once the baby is theirs, that's all there is to it. They don't HAVE to involve the birth parent any longer, and legally, they are right. Legally, the birth mother has terminated her rights completely, and the adoptive parents no longer have any legal responsibility to the birth mother. It sucks but it's true. Sometimes adoptive parents close the adoption because having a relationship with the birth mother seems threatening, scary, overwhelming, time consuming, and serves as a constant reminder that this child of yours is not your DNA. Sometimes it is closed because it might be "too confusing for the child" (studies show it is in fact not at all confusing for a child, fyi).
To those adoptive parents who close the adoption, I have one thing to say:
This birth mother CHOSE you, out of thousands of other potential adoptive parents, because she TRUSTED you to not only raise her child, but to keep your promises. She found you WORTHY enough to raise her child, and you are repaying her by breaking all the promises you made to her, and breaking her heart? Not only that, but you are keeping your child from the woman who loves them more than life itself, keeping your child from her history, from another person who loves her as much as you do (and yes, she does love that child as much as you do). You are also taking away the child's chance to heal better, and adjust to their identity in the adoption world (see further down in the post). Isn't the child's best interest at heart for everyone? Because in MOST situation, open adoption is, in fact, in the best interest of the child.
Is open adoption easy? Not perfectly so. It's easy in many ways, and harder in other. Like ANY relationship in any aspect of life, it requires work, patience, acceptance, and love. It is also one of those extremely easy relationships to just "do away with" for adoptive parents because legally we birth mothers have no say in the matter. It's not just hard for adoptive parents though. It's hard for birth mothers too. We have to trust each other, and communicate. That is key! Communication.
BUT it is also much more HEALING than the alternative, to all parties. Studies have shown that for children, "Higher degrees of collaboration in the adoptive kinship network were associated with better adjustment during middle childhood", and "that higher degrees of perceived compatibility maintained from middle childhood to adolescence were associated with higher degrees of psychosocial engagement (defined as adolescents' active use of inner resources to interact positively with others in family, peer, and community contexts) and attachment to parents and lower problem behavior." (source)
Studies have shown that for birth mothers "Birthmothers in stopped mediated adoptions showed the highest degree of unresolved adoption-related grief and loss ", "birthmothers in fully disclosed adoptions had lower adoption-related grief and loss than those in confidential adoption", and "When birthmothers' level of openness was controlled, as satisfaction with openness increased, birthmothers' current global level of grief decreased." (source). Studies have shown that for adoptive parents "those in fully disclosed adoptions generally reported higher levels of acknowledgment of the adoption, more empathy toward the birthparents and child, stronger sense of permanence in the relationship with their child as projected into the future, and less fear that the birthmother might try to reclaim her child."(source)
To end off with, I will quote an amazing birth mom in a group I am a part of:
"That we don't want to steal the baby/co parent we just want to love them! Just because we weren't legally their mothers any more doesn't mean we don't love them as mothers." - Madisen Mae
Please, from one mother to another, let us just love our child, and let them feel our love too. Open adoption is not always easy, but it is SOOOO worth it.
(Stay tuned for suggestions on how to nourish an open adoption)
